Practical and FAQ

Most of my clients are interested in, identify as, or live consensually nonmonogamous. This can take many forms: open relationships, hierarchical polyamory, non-hierarchical polyamory, solo poly, relationship anarchy, etc. I see monogamous people as well, I am not biased for or against any form of relationship - I want to help you find the structure that works for you. 

I am sex positive, LGBTQIA+ and kink friendly, and my work is trauma-informed.

Most people who see me are individuals and couples, but I see triads, V's and other constellations of 3 people as well. If you are considering counseling or coaching with your constellation of more than 3 people, contact me to discuss what the possibilities are. 

People come to see me for a lot of different reasons.

Some examples are:

• People who are already practicing consensual nonmonogamy, but it just doesn't seem to be working out as they had hoped. They want help figuring out a way to have a consenually nonmonogamous configuration that works for them.
• A couple (or triad, or V, or other) who feel stuck in a cycle of conflict in their relationship and want help getting out.
• An individual or couple who wants help dealing with feelings of jealousy in healthy ways.
• A couple preparing to open up their previously closed relationship, who want help in determining how to do this healthily.
• A monogamous couple looking to determine if consenual nonmonogamy is for them. 

Of course! I believe different ways of configuring relationships work for different people. My goal is for people to be intentional and feel balanced in the relationships they choose. I will never try to convince you to choose a certain confirguration.  

Absolutely. Your values and your agency are always central to our work together. 

I have experience working with people for whom their spiritual and religuos values are central. I know that considering to open up your relationship can be great a source of (internal) conflict, especially if some of the values and narratives that are important to you might (seem to) go directly against this. Together, we will help you find clarity on your journey. 

There are a lot of different opinions on this and the terms are often used interchangeably. In the text below I have attempted to share my view on the similarities and differences.

The three have a lot of overlap, in all three a client works with the practitioner to get closer to a goal or desire they have in their life. In therapy, counseling, or coaching, the practitioner and client work together to reach this outcome by, for example, helping the client uncover some things about themselves or by learning new skills.

There are differences:

• Therapy is often focused on working through past trauma. In therapy, the practitioner and client try to uncover and make sense of the client's past, so they can integrate it into their current life. This can be an intensive and long process. If your goal is to minimize the impact of your history of complex trauma on your daily life, therapy might be the right fit for you.
• Counseling also looks back at the past, however, the scope tends to be smaller for counseling than for therapy. Therefore, counseling often takes less sessions than therapy. For example, a counselor and their client client can work on the client's goal of handling feelings of jealousy they experience in their relationship in a healthier way. To work towards that goal, they can look back at the client's past to uncover if the feelings and thoughts that triggered the jealousy stem from experience they had in the past. They can then take this in their work to move forward.
• The scope of coaching and counseling is similar in size, but coaching tends to look only into the future. A coach and their client working towards dealing with feelings of jealousy will often approach this very practically and work on building skill sets to deal with it.

In my work I practice a balance of counseling and coaching. I believe there are situations in which it is beneficial to look back and uncover which current feelings and cycles feel familiar, and which may be new. Other situations call for a very practical approach.

If we uncover anything in our sessions that might require some deeper healing, we will talk about possibilities for referral to a therapist. 

I use the words coaching and counseling interchangably. 

Creating a space that is as safe as possible for you is my main priority. If we start working together, I will treat everything you share with me during the sessions with confidentiality. This means I will not share what tell me with any third parties, even after we stop working together.

There are three exceptions to this:

• In order to ensure the wellbeing of both my clients and myself and to ensure I will continue to grow in my skills as a coach/counselor I regularly seek supervision and am part of peer review groups. During those meetings, I might share situation sketches from specific clients, so other professionals (therapists/coaches/counselors) can help me identify my potential blind spots and provide insight I may have missed. This will help me be of better help to my clients. Any situation sketches I share will be made anonymous. Also good to know: all professionals involved in my supervision and peer review groups are bound and committed to confidentiality.
• I will break confidentiality if I am convinced that doing so is the last and only pathway to keeping you or other people around you physically safe. In such cases I will work with other care organisations in my network to help keep everyone safe.
• If I am mandated legally or by court order to break confidentiality. 

For personal reasons I have decided to pause my coaching practice indefinitely. If you would like me to update you when I resume my practice, please send me a message through my contact form. 

Most people like to book an introductory session first. If you would rather start with full session, that is possible as well. You can book either one by filling out a contact form here. 

If you cancel your session longer than 48 hours before it is scheduled, I will not charge the session. Sessions canceled within 48 hours of the booked time slot will be charged fully. 

Read more about my cancellation policy in my general terms and conditions. 

I currently meet all my clients online through Jitsi Meets. I will send you a meeting link before the session.

In the future, I will have some spots for physical meetings in Amsterdam. If you prefer that, please let me know and I'll keep you updated on the progress. 

This depends on your situation. Different situations require different amounts of sessions. Most people see me 3 to 6 times. During your intake session, we will together scope out a plan and make an estimate on how many sessions we will need to reach your goals. 

Most of my clients see me once every 2 to 3 weeks. This way they have some time to integrate and think about what we have discussed, and it's frequent enough to keep the sessions top-of-mind. Some situations call for more or less frequent sessions, we will discuss this during your intake. 

My hourly rate is 5% of your net monthly income, as averaged in the last 6 months. That's a little different from how other coaches or therapists set their rates. I have chosen this because it is the most equitable way of setting rates that I've found.

If you want to know more about why I have made this choice, you can read this blog post by Roos Reijbroek (de Vrije Ruimte), who has come up with the method and explained it perfectly.

The 5% rate is based on income brackets (see table below). You calculate your income bracket in the following way:

1. Make a list of the net income for each person who will receive coaching.

• If you work for a company: use the amount that you receive in your bank account each month.
• If you are a freelancer: use the average of what you have paid yourself in the past 6 months.
• If you are unemployed and get (government) benefits: use the amount that you receive in your bank account each month.

2. Add the amounts from step 1. and divide by the number of people.

3. Take the amount from step 2. and read your rate in the table below. 

If on average you make more than € 5000,- per month, you are one of the 5% wealthiest people in the Netherlands. Please contact me to consult about a rate.

An example:

Ash and Skylar want relationship coaching. Ash works for a company and gets € 3.160,- on their bank account each month. Skylar is a freelancer and had paid themselves an average of € 1.700,- per month over the past 6 months. Added together this is € 4.860,-. Divided by 2, their average income is € 2.430,-. They fall in the € 2.250,- to € 2.500,- bracket. This means that for them, my hourly rate is € 125,- and the cost for a 1,5 session is € 187,50.

All rates are including 21% VAT (BTW).

Absolutely! Anything that helps you get the most out of our sessions is absolutely welcome. If possible, let me know beforehand, so I can account for them. 

Yes! I sadly do not speak sign language, but depending on your preferences and needs, there are some possibilities. We can either do our session through online chat or I can make sure to articulare clearly and look directly in the camera. If you prefer, you could also bring a translator. If we do our sessions through chat, I do prefer to also have the camera on so we can be aware of each other's body language. 

Of course! It is important for me that sessions are as accessible as possible for my clients. If, for example, you have a hard time looking at screens, we could meet in person or a phone call. If you are able, share your specific requirements or triggers and we will try to find a suitable way to meet. 

No problem, I speak Dutch as well. 

Both descriptions can be used interchangeably. I personally prefer consensual non-monogamy, because in my experience, the word "ethical" can carry a broader array of meanings to different people than the word "consensual." But in daily life you can find me using ethical non-monogamy as well.